сигарета

Спичка, прикуривание, слова..., и где-то слышно тикание часов. Затяжка, какой-то поток слов, потом опять затяжка... . И при каждой затяжке думаешь что еще сказать это-кое интересное, и мозг тебе подсказывает какие-то идеи, мысли, и ты даже не уверен чьи они, эти мысли. Сигарета и слова... .

Потом ты дома, один, уставший от всех и всего, уставший от одного и тоже... и опять сигарета, мысли... Затяжка... смотришь на небо через пелену дыма, думаешь о чем-то, пытаешься почувствовать свежий запах воздуха, принюхиваешься, но чувствуешь одну лишь горечь от сигарет, в горле и в ноздрях. Затяжка, мысли, небо, дым, одиночество... Вздыхаешь, и опять затяжка. Мозг тебе подсказал что-то до боли глубокое, и ты почувствовал себя маленьким и незначительным, беспомощным.

Затяжка, вопросы, мысли... Думаешь что надо бы сделать то или другое, и опять вздыхаешь, опять затяжка. Смотришь на небо, смотришь в небо, и на этом свете нет ничего и никого кроме вот этой сигареты, и вот этих твох мыслей. Какой-то нескончаемый круг. Другая сигарета, те же мысли. Курение обладает больше психологической зависимости, чем физической, но об этом никто не думает, так как все зацикленны на своем физиологическом здоровье, при том что каждый пренебрегает именно этим здоровьем.

"Может бросать курить?"... другая затяжка, которое говорит что надо бы, но ты не бросишь. Потом мозг устает, и ты уже присосался к этой сигарете, что бы быстрее ее докурить, так как она тебе надоела; а бросить недокуренную сигарету нельзя, жалко, ты же деньги заплатил за нее.

Делаешь последнюю затяжку с задумкой что с завтрашнего дня бросаешь курить, и тебе становится мерзко оттого что знаешь, этот "завтра" наступит не завтра.

Бросаешь окурок, смотришь, в последний на сегодня раз, на небо, и закрываешь окно. Размышляешь чем бы заняться сейчас, но на ум приходит только то что ты должен сделать...и тебе хочется что бы опять захотелось курить, но курить не хочется. "Чем же заняться?", и в голову опять лезут эти "надо". Черт! Включаешь телек, раз десять нажимаешь на пульт с 1-го по последнего канала...ничего. Проверяешь e-mail, ничего. Другой круг, но все такой-же. Бродишь по дому, и снова телевизор, снова нажатие кнопок, off.

Спичка, прикуривание, мысли...

i am...

Today I woke up with in a very good mood. I am listening to my favourite songs of 30 SECONDS TO MARS, and these songs just make me want to live intensive and qualitative, and not just pass near my life. These guys will always be in my life through their music :)

Yesterday I started to think what does make me happy? Because if you know what it is you can offer by yourself this happiness. I do not know if it is wrong or right, but most of people wait for others to make them happy, a fact that is a little bit weird for me. If you want to be happy, you have to look for happiness, to experience different things, to know different people, and of course to know yourself, and soon after it you will be happy just because you love yourself the way you are. How can we love someone if we do not love ourselves? How can you give ourselves away to the loved one if we do not know who we are? Who we are? Who are you? Who am I? In the moment you will know the answer to this question, you will find your key to happiness. Because I think that true happiness lays in ourselves, the true wisdom lays in ourselves, as well as the true love. If you will be able to unmask yourself in the mirror, and if you will accept and in the end love what you see, then you can love everybody, and this is a good thing. Everyone can love a good person, but how many of us can love the opposite? I mean that in reality there are no bad or good people, we all have our bright and dark sides. And sometimes win the good us, sometimes the bad us, and again it is ok, because for us to appreciate the good we have to have a little bit of bad in our lives.

So my advice for you, for all of us: be good, be bad, be wild, be true, be free.

my truth

I am waiting inpatient for a new change in my life, a change that would make me understand whom I want to be in life. I know that everything I write practically is the same...other words, many words, but the meaning is the same.

I would like to know that I am special. What is wrong in wanting to be special, unique, not like others? What is wrong in believing that perhaps I am a little bit different from other people? Aren't we all in a way or other different? Don't we all want to be unique? Sometimes I get really scared, because the time is passing so fast, and I become more confused about everything. I have so many questions and doubts... And if I clarify one question, there can appear 20 more... May be I am too curious, or may be to insecure of myself in order just to satisfy myself with what I know...still I know that there is more than we know, see or hear. Sometimes we can feel it, but then we think we are going crazy and so we just ignore our feelings, accepting instead the requirements of society. Unfortunately for us our society confuses the acceptance with the agreement. If you can accept that somebody is gay for example it does not mean that you agree also to become one. Why people can't just accept that there can be other truths, different from their one? Everyone has own world, rules, truths, and instead of showing all these with no fear of rejection, we intersect with other people of society under the approved mask. Aren't we all tired of masks? Why can't we be who we are always, in every moment of every day of our lives?

Usually the human being feels superior not only to the inferior level of beings, but also to the same kind. Today we are a society in which practically everyone feels superior, but superior to what? To somebody's choice? It's absurd, because if a person has no money or no job or no home it is his/her choice, and so the consequence of it. And may be, just may be, this person is much happier and truer than the millionaires. I truly believe we still have time to change as a society, but for that we have to listen really careful to our feelings, to our wants and true needs.

But this is my world and my truth. Of course there are people who think differently, and may be they are right... In the end it does not matter who is right or wrong, all it matters is living faithfully to yourself, and so I will live faithfully to myself. The question is: will you?

perfection in forgiveness

I was told that in order to be happy you have to forgive. But what doest it mean, to forgive? To make the anger or the indignation disappear? Or to make disappear the period when you felt offended? And how can you make disappear years of humiliation, sadness and pure hate? How do you make disappear a life? The forgiveness is an illusion, it is not real. People just forget, or through away this anger in a far locker of their memory. Because when someone tells you "I forgive you" it does not actually mean the forgiveness itself, but the acceptance of the fact that during some time it will pass, this feeling of hurt and damaged. Because during time you learn to live with this anger, you get used to it. May be the way people apologize is wrong? Because usually people are to concentrated in proving that they are right then to think that may be they are not, or may be, just may be, there is also another truth. It is in a man's nature the confidence in his/her personal logic, as it is in the man's nature to lie, to attack behind, to think about himself/herself more than at other people. It is in a man's nature to want to receive more than to give.

It is said that each of us should tend to perfection. But who decides what this perfection is or how it should look like? And who decides the limits of this perfection? I do not want perfection in my life, it is boring, if it does exist. All that the ideals of people and the their perfection actually is the hope that there, somewhere, is better, much better. And in reality people tend to this better. Nothing is perfect than the hope that everything is perfect.

letting be...

Since little girl I was thinking about the balance in this world. How does it happen that somebody suffers, while somebody else is happy and content? And why can't all people be happy? Wouldn't world be a better place if everyone would be content and joyful about their life? I guess that in order for us to appreciate the good things, we have to pass once in a while through bad things too. Still, today I discovered a real truth: everyone can be happy, indifferent if he/she has a good or a bad period. All we have to do is to allow ourselves to be happy. Of course many of you, after reading this, will say that you want to be happy, and you allow yourself to be, but you are just not. Well, unfortunately, this is not true, because most of times, as sure we can be about the fact that we deserve to be happy, we don't really believe it. And it happens because we judge ourselves more severe that any stranger would do. And deep in our hearts, we believe we do not deserve happiness or love or other good things, and that is why these things happen in our lives really rare or, what's worse, do not happen at all. Today I decided that enough is enough, and that at some point I have to start loving myself, and I am talking about true love, and not only some superficial understanding of it. For example, if somebody wants to lose weight, he/she should do it because this person loves himself and not to do it in order to begin to love himself. All we do should be first of all a love declaration to ourselves, because we do not have to prove anyone anything, we really don't, not at work, not to our family, not to any of our relatives, not even to our friends. We owe nothing to the world. But we do owe ourselves to enjoy the process of living and not only to be concentrated in it's result, which obviously will be in the end. We should use our body on full, to make more sports, to communicate more, to use more a pen than a computer, to read books, to learn something new each day. Open up to life and it will open for you great opportunities and amazing views. For me it is a challenge to love myself, because as most of you, I know the most dark things about myself and so I totally forget about the brightest. And I will learn loving myself each day. And I will love myself for the brightest in me and delete the darkness in me. It is possible to be an every day-happy person, and I wish all of you to become such.